Heaven, Hell, or Love

"Pagkabighani" [Prayer of St. Francis Xavier]
(A.Alejo, SJ and M. Francisco, SJ)

Hindi sa langit mong pangako sa akin
Ako naaakit na kita'y mahalin
At hindi sa apoy, kahit anong lagim
Ako mapipilit nginig Kang sambahin

Naaakit ako nang ika'y mamalas,
Nakapako sa krus, hinahamak-hamak.
Naaakit ako sa 'Yong katawang may sugat
At nang tinanggap Mong kamataya't libak.

Naaakit ako sa Yong pag-ibig.
Kaya't mahal kita, kahit walang langit
Kahit walang apoy, sa Yo'y manginginig.
H'wag nang mag-abala upang ibigin Ka.
Pagkat kung pag-asa'y bula lamang pala.
Walang magbabago, mahal pa rin Kita.



I fear death. Then something happened. I was a victim of dengue fever. I was in the hospital for 5 days with my platelet count going down everyday. Then there was the possibility of breast cancer. I had a "mass" somewhere in my left breast, and the doctor was trying to debrief me of possible diagnosis. There I realized that death is real. It's not a myth, it's not selective. It happens to everyone.

I may have survived the dengue fever last year, or had false alarm with the "mass" in my left breast, but my picture of death didn't change.

This song reminds me of my relationship with God. Why do I fear God? Because I fear hell. Why do I love God? Because I want to be in Heaven when I die. What if there's no Heaven? or Hell? If this is my reason of loving God, then I don't wonder now why I kept on turning my back from Him. I had patterns of sins! I questioned my faith several times. Why do I repeat the pattern? Because this is my basis of my faith : Fear of Hell or Love for Heaven.

I have changed my reasons... I love God not because I fear Hell, but because I love Him! He is the reason why I am here. He is the beginning and the end of life. When a friend loves you and you love him back because of who he is, that's a strong foundation. You accept both the strenghts and weaknesses of the person. That's the same with God. He loves me even with my sinfulness! His goodness made me realize many things... and I love God because of His goodness and love. Because He is LOVE!

And the greatest symbol of God's love is the Cross.
The greatest manifestation of God's love is His Son, Jesus.

Cross: Suffering God and the Consequence of His Love

Good Friday
April 14, 2006

We gathered in front of the Novitiate's main building. Few minute passed 1:00PM, we made our way of the cross. Trying to recall my feelings, I always wondered why the experience during the retreat is always different. It isn't my first time to make the "way of the Cross". We would always do it every Holy Week at Abong-Abong Park.

Maybe it's the silence... maybe it's the place... maybe it's how I have composed myself. Maybe... maybe...

The prayers read at every station were felt. When we got to the 3rd Station (Jesus falls the first time) I almost cried. I don't know but I have imagined how painful it could be! The cross is heavy, the sun is hot, and because of exhaustion, Jesus fell. He's carrying the cross to save us! It's for us! I also imagined the kind of road they had then. It's not concrete. And when you fall on your knees, you will really feel the pebbles piercing, your skin possibly bleeding. And there's the cross that added more weight! Aahhh!

All throughout, i was thinking of Jesus' knees, in pain.

At 3:00PM, we had the veneration of the Cross. Still not getting over the feeling earlier, my feeling is so heavy again when the Passion and Death of Christ (the day's Gospel) was read. I have imagined how Jesus suffered, how evil the guards pierced the lance at His side! They were not satisfied of nailing Him! Ang sakit nun!!! Naiiyak na namam akO! But I was able to hold my tears.

Part of the celebration is to kiss the Cross. Retreatants queue in towards the cross held by two novices. As i came closer to the cross, my heavy heart started to give in... I cried... I kissed the wounded knees of Christ. Again, can't hold back any more. When I got back to the seat, I felt so ashamed! I felt so sorry for Him.

Jesus: My Hero and My Friend

Why did I cry? I asked myself. "It's not your first time to attend this kind of celebration or kiss the cross!" I could hear myself saying...

No... but it's only today that I realized how God love us. Jesus allowed suffering to happen to him. Not to please the Father but to save us from eternal death. Jesus is the Hero. It's not superman! It's not spiderman! Jesus is MY HERO.

I cried because I felt His pain! I may not exactly know what He felt, but I could imagine how painful it was! When you see a friend suffering, you feel his/her pain, you cry. When you watch teleserye, and see the "bida" suffering, you cry. Why? Because you can feel what they go through. Because you have imagined their pains! And here is Christ who suffered for us!

I just felt closer to Him.. I wanted to console Him but how? Whenever I feel down, or when I am hurt, when everything else seemed to go against me, I call on Him and He didn't fail me. He's always there to comfort me. And now, He's the one suffering. But where am I??? Here... just watching, so helpless. Didn't know how to comfort Him! And it's so painful!

I stayed at the chapel even after the celebration. I just let it all out... I couldn't find comfort with my realization. My feeling was so heavy...

"Saan ito patungo?"

One of the pictures I do not get tired of viewing is the picture of this road in the Novitiate. I was told it's called "Sacred Heart". There is a mystifying feeling about this picture. When I was there, I would just stand in the middle of the road and look as far as my sight could. And in all those times, I would always get mixed emotions. I would always ask myself, "Where is this road leading me?" I knew for a fact that the end of this road is the gate of the novitiate :) but I can't help but ask that question. It looked like an endless path. The grass and trees guarding the road looked so beautiful and full of life!

I miss the place... i miss the silence it brings... I will never forget this place because this is where I found myself again...

And now, I realized where the road led me. It led me back to God. Ito pala ang naging daan patungo sa Kanya...

Pictures courtesy of Jesuit Novitiate

Philippians 4:10-13

Philippians 4:10-13

[10]I rejoice in the Lord greatly that now at last you have revived your concern for me; indeed, you were concerned for me, but had no opportunity to show it. [11]Not that I am referring to being in need; for I have learned to be content with whatever I have. [12]I know what it is to have little, and I know what it is to have plenty. In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being well-fed and of going hungry, of having plenty and of being in need. [13] I can do all things through him who strengthens me. (Source: http://bible.oremus.org/)


If there is one miracle during my retreat, it is this passage. What happened during that day is one of the beautiful and unforgettable experiences I have. I share it to everyone to tell you that miracles do happen in our life. God do talk to us in many ways. And here, he talked to me through the verses. If Paul wrote this referring to God, in my experience, it was God who was thanking me for my realizations. He did understand my weaknesses and was telling me in verse [10] "it's alright, you didn't really leave me, but you didn't have the chance to show you care for me". Yes! This is exactly what I am guilty of! God is so good and He love me! And here I am, not even knowing how to thank Him! I'm so guilty! Reading the verses affirmed God's goodness. If you only go back to Him, he's always willing to accept you as His own child.

What makes this really special is this: I am happy and grateful that I have found my way back to God. But the verses is saying a different thing: God is much happier seeing me back to Him.

"Thanks for the Gifts"

Third Prayer Period
Maundy Thursday
April 13, 2006


Indeed God listened to our prayers. Indeed, silence can bring us much closer to God. When you don't speak, when you let silence absorb everything, you can hear God "talking" to you.

It was my 3rd prayer period. After reading the verses (Rom 7:14-25 The conflict in us) I decided to sing the song, "Hesus, Hilumin mo". It's one of my favorite songs. It's a prayer for healing. It is about asking for God's healing power, to heal me in my woundedness so I can heal the others.

"O Hesus, hilumin mo.
Aking sugatang puso.
Nang aking mahango.
Kapwa kong kasimbigo"

While singing, I left my bible on the bench with my journal. And played around with the mahogany leaves on the ground. Then I thought of what to say for thanksgiving. This is my 3rd prayer period! I was quite worried of what to say. I have said many thanksgiving during the first two prayer periods. I have said them all, i thought.

Then I went back to the bench where I left my things. The bible was opened. As i bent to get the bible, I saw the page where it was opened. It says " Thanks for the Gifts" Philippians 4:10-13.

Reading the verses, i realized God was talking to me! He was talking to me in these verses! Couldn't help again but cry! I was like a cry baby during the retreat. I felt to vulnerable.

But the feeling is beautiful! It was so beautiful that I can't help but share it with you.

And I worried not about what to say for thanksgiving... God helped me find the words.

That is the bench where I left my bible and found it opened at Philippians 4:10-13.

The Prodigal Daughter

THE PRODIGAL DAUGHTER

April 13, 2006
Maundy Thursday

I met my spiritual director early that morning, just as we have scheduled. I was excited! For the first time after a few hours , I can talk about what I feel. If you feel many things and you don't have anyone to talk to, you feel like exploding! But God gave me the grace of patience. The feelings were able to wait and shared with my SD.

First Period of Prayer
1:30PM, Immaculate Conception Chapel

Readings: Luke 15:11-31 "The prodigal son"

I was given a guide on what scriptures to read and how to go about my prayer periods. I was told to possibly make at most 3 for today, and 1 tomorrow.

I started with the story of the prodigal son. I've heard, read about these passages a number of times, especially during Holy Weeks. Reading the passage this time was different. I have seen myself more clearly in the story. I'm the prodigal son.

Many times, I didn't care much about the Father. I have failed to attend masses because of this and that reasons. I prefer sleeping than going to mass. I felt lazy. Or, if schedule is tight, I would choose to do my thing and forget about masses.

But this doesn't mean I have totally forgotten about my faith. I still pray, I still believe in God during those times. It was just that I was too much comfortable with my life and God was in the background. It’s only when life is difficult or when I am in pain that I remember and call God’s name. And He never failed to listen to my call. And here I am, too lazy to do my duties as Christian. I feel guilty now because I have acknowledged the sacredness of the Holy Eucharist. Mass is highest form of prayer!

God's Healing...

Realizing all these, and trying to follow the guide my spiritual director gave, i went on and prayed for God's forgiveness and healing. In one of the retreats I attended in Zamboanga, we were asked to close our eyes and imagine Christ in front of us and tell Him what was in our hearts.

I did that. Praying for the graces, I want to picture Jesus in front of me while saying what I feel. It's not praying. It's saying. I want to have a personal conversation with Him. That was I wanted.

Kneeling...with hands clasped, I slowly closed my eyes and tried to imagine Jesus. I saw Jesus, in His Most Sacred Heart, in front of me, holding my clasp hands! And there...I didn't hold back anymore. I just felt myself crying, my heart was soooo heavy! Felt sorry for all the things I did that hurt Him. It was like unburdening. It was like really talking to a friend, to someone you have hurt! Like a child, the more I am comforted, the more I cry my heart out!

Then I realized this: When a relationship fails, the one who truly loves get hurt. Jesus is hurt every time I turn my back from Him. Feeling it during that time makes me really ashamed of myself!

Accepting my failures, surrendering it to Him, slowly, the heaviness in my heart fades...

Retreat Orientation: "Setting the Mood"

"Saan ka patungo?"

April 12, 2006, 8:00PM
The Start of the Retreat

We were welcome by the Retreat Director, Fr. Arnie Bugtas, SJ. He gave us the directions on how to go about the retreat. It was also during this time that we met our spiritual directors.

Pham Mandi and I have the same Spiritual Director, Bhong Tobe, nSJ. Bro. Bhong is a Jesuit novice. We had a little introduction and set schedule for our everyday meeting. I was set to meet my SD (short for spiritual director) every 8:00am.

Then silence begins… we were not allowed to talk for the duration of the retreat. It’s a silent retreat. We were given “assignments” to start off with our retreat. There were questions (reflection) to serve as our guide. It’s more on “setting the mood” for the. Still, at this point, I didn’t know how to go about this. Again, with God’s grace, I prayed that I will be guided to have a fruitful retreat.

RECALL THE DESIRES THAT BROUGHT YOU HERE

I have stated my reasons for joining this retreat. However, I realized something during the orientation. Fr. Bugtas mentioned about how St. Ignatius pray. Before he (St. Ignatius) enters a chapel, he prays for the Holy Presence of God, for him to feel God more in his prayers. He just didn’t pray and say what he wants!

Yes, maybe that’s what I am here for – God’s presence. I do pray. I pray before I leave for work, I pray for safety, for “our daily bread”. I pray for graces and thanksgiving. I say written prayers. But somehow, I prayed to God from a distance. I imagined God to be up there! Unreachable! A God who watches me from above; someone who can’t come near me because He is up there.

I tried to find my faith, but no, my faith is always there. It’s not my faith but my relationship with God! How do I see God in my life? What’s my relationship with God?

These are the questions I have to start off my retreat. All the other reasons became secondary. I have focused on this desire in my heart: God’s presence.

Long Distance Relationship

Yes, I have realized that’s how I pictured God in my life, someone who is far, someone who is at a distance. Then I started asking myself, “WHY?” Trying to assess my own self, my feelings, my life, I have found few answers to my questions.

First, it’s sin. We are humans (cliché) and we sin. However, our constant sinning brought as farther from God. We had a choice: Feel sorry for our sins or multiply our sins. And took the latter. Guilt created a wider gap between me and God. Deep inside, I know what I have to do, but I prefer to do otherwise. I stopped attending masses regularly. If I did, my mind wanders from east to west during masses.

When you have done something wrong to someone, and you’re guilty, you find it hard to face the person, or talk to the person. That’s an analogy. Somehow, that’s what had happened to me.

Second, fear. Because of my guilt, I have stopped asking God for graces. Look at it this way: You have a friend. You keep on asking for favors and he always grant these favors. How would he feel if he would found out that you are a bad friend? And you feel guilty. I stopped because I felt “nahihiya” for asking and asking favors without even feeling sorry for my wrong doings. Again, I have set a distance between me and God.

Thirdly, my problems and pressures have made me think less of God. Simple and small problems at work, at home, relationships, all these have piled up.

The retreat made me realized all these. It made me accept my sinfullness, be sorry for them. And with these realizations and acceptance, I have learned to unload the heaviness in my heart and made my way closer to God.

With Bro. Bhong Tobe, my spiritual director

The Holy Week Retreat '06

Sacred Heart Novitiate Grounds
The serene place reminds me of my beautiful experience with God

April 12, 2006, Holy Week Retreal ‘06
Sacred Heart Novitiate, Novaliches Quezon City

We arrived at the venue in the afternoon and after a short time for registration, we went up and found our rooms. RM 315. This was my room. I’m not used to sleeping alone in a room, much more in a new place. But there was no turning back. This is a silent retreat. I cannot disturb other’s peace and silence just because I’m not used to be alone in a room. I have to get used to this and enjoy the moment all by myself.

This was my first holy week retreat, and my first silent retreat away from Zamboanga. I felt excited, yet uncertain about how the retreat will go about. I didn’t know how to get through this silent retreat. But I prayed for God’s grace to help me through and make this retreat a fruitful one.

Why am I here?

It was all of a coincidence, or shall a say “a divine plan”. I have heard about holy week retreats two years ago. I was even invited last year, but I declined. I gave alibis just to convince them I am not going.

Last January, during a planning session in the department, Maureene told me about her experience in one of the Holy Week retreats. Listening to her stories, I was motivated to sign up for the Holy week retreat. The week after, our Formation Coordinator approached me if I am interested to join the Holy Week retreat. I wrote my intentions and sent it to Fr. Jun Viray, our Formation Director. And, finally! I got a note saying I was one of those who were chosen to attend the Holy Week Retreat.

Reason #1. It’s an opportunity to go to Manila for free!!! Yes! The school will pay for the airfare to manila, and of course a little allowance for us.

Reason #2. Maybe, this is an opportunity for me to bring back my religiosity and spirituality. Honestly, it seemed that I have distance myself from God. I have questions in life. Maybe it had something to do with my faith. Maybe… maybe…

Reason #3. This is one way to be with “myself” again. The pressures at work and at home make me forget to think about myself, my feelings, the things I want in life. I forgot to “listen” and to feel.

Reason # 4. This is vacation! Break! Break! Break!

But all these reasons changed…

My Retreat..

This is the same theme as that of my friendster blog. Retreat...

In life, we want a moment of silence, or a moment for ourselves. Some dines out, some watch movies, go to beaches, go to far away places. Some look for a moment with their inner self. And I'm one of them. I want to find myself, relish moments with the Creator.

Retreat is defined as " A place affording peace, quiet, privacy, or security" or " A period of seclusion, retirement, or solitude" (www.dictionary.com)





Picture taken from Sacred Heart Novitiate
Novaliches, Quezon City








This blogsite will serve as a place where I share my experiences with God, moments of realizations, moments of silence. I will start with my Holy week retreat just recently. I share with you all these because I don't want these experiencese to die like a dream.

For those who drop by and read my entries, I hope that you learn something from my experiences.

Thank you for dropping by...

Erlyn