Mixed Emotions...

Easter Sunday
April 16, 2006

We are about to end the Holy Week retreat. I have packed my things. By noon, we have to leave this place.

Pham and I met our spiritual director early that morning. Since this is the last day of our retreat, Bro. Bhong decided to meet us both in one session. We had a short sharing of experiences, of funny and emotional moments during our stay. It was a "lighter" session.

My sharing was focused on blessings, challenges, feelings.

I feel blessed for the opportunity of being part of a beautiful holy week retreat. I have said it a number of times but I don't get tired of thanking God and the people who were instruments of making me part of this. I feel blessed for feeling God's presence, for learning how to LISTEN and not just TALK to Him. I remember the encounters with Him and recalling those moments would always bring a beautiful feeling within.

Second is, there is fear. The experience inside the retreat house is so beautiful that I feared how this can be transcended outside. Sharing what my experiences were with my spiritual director was very easy. This is because I knew he would understand. He's my SD, of course! He knew how to draw out emotions and make me speak. He knew how to process all these! But what about outside? WOuld someone listen to what I would say? If I say that God talked to me, would they believe me? Wouldn't they apply logic in my experience and say "all these are coincidence"?

I also fear the challenges ahead. Many times, our faith is tested. Temptation is always around looking for the best time to hit us. The apostles had their own share of tests when they continued Jesus' mission on Earth. How would I face the challenges ahead? Am I strong enough for them? But I hope and pray, that with God's grace, I will be able to overcome whatever difficulties ahead.

Thirdly, there is mixed emotions of leaving the place. Unlike the other retreats I had, I felt sad that finally this would end. I have been comfortable with the place, and especially the silence. I didn't want it to end. But God is telling me that this is not my place. Whatever I have started here should not end here. This is not the end but the start of a "new life", a life of new realizations and of different perspective.

The retreat gave me a different view of life and of God. It renewed my picture of God, from a distant God to a God who is near and Who listens. I have made a different relationship of Jesus... Jesus is a friend and like any other friend, He also want to be listened to, to be felt, and He feels pain. The retreat gave names to my feelings unknown to me. It gave my "ABCs" of prayer.

This is easter sunday! This is the day the Lord has made! This is the origin of HOPE! Without this day, hope will never be defined.

I end my retreat with greater hope of keeping what I have started here...