Dr. Faustus and Mephistopheles of Today

One of my assignments back in my World Literature class in college was to read about Dr. Faustus by Goethe. It was one of those assignments, I would say, which took much of my time considering that reading was never a hobby.

The story was about Dr. Faustus, who wa in search for the true essence of life, God, and The Devil named Mephistopheles. A deal was made between God and Mephistopheles: The latter may receive Dr. Faustus’ soul only if Dr. Faustus stops his search for meaning, quest for knowledge and understanding. In other words, the Devil must satisfy Dr. Faustus that he (Faustus) will not desire for anything on earth. The devil had to lure Dr. Faustus with anything. However, it showed that Dr. Faustus’ desires levelled up (craving for more) as one desire was realized. In the end, God won the game.

Don’t we have the Dr. Faustus in us? We seek for many things in this world: knowledge, wealth, fame. We don’t seem to get THAT satisfaction we desire for in life. No matter how much we have, we always wish and strive to get much more, much better. “I got a cellphone but I wished I have the newest model”. I got two, but it would be better if I had three. Simple. We have so many of these “simple” desires that if we sum it all, it would define our values and attitudes. And maybe, it will define the way we live. Our lives are defined by the number of cellphones we have, the model of car we own, the cost of the house we lived in, the projects we have accomplished, the positions we have handled. And for many of us, we fear the loss of any of these. We become slaves of our own possessions. We’re like the rich young man in the Gospel (Mark 10:17-22).

It is not a sin to own things. It is alright to possess things as long as these things do not draw us away from the Truth that our hearts desire not for things here on earth that are temporary but for God’s Love and the Kingdom that is eternal. The reason why we never get to fill our hunger for anything is because this is not what our hearts truly long for. Jesus Christ is the only way to the Father. To follow Him, we should learn to let go of the things that may stop us from seeing the Way and finding the Truth.

We’re like Dr. Faustus, tempted by Mephistopheles, but let us remember and be fully aware that whatever Mephistoheles has for us will never truly and fully satisfy us. Let us continue to search for that true peace and happiness not in the material possessions but in Christ, who helps us find the way to the Kingdom.

Miracle and Magic

Miracle -- a wonderful happening; something marvelous.

Magic -- pretended or supposedly art of using secret charms; of mysterious influence; the are or skill of creating illusions.

John 6: 1-15 " Jesus Feeds Five Thousand"

¹³So they gathered them up, and from the fragments of the five barley loaves, left by those who had eaten, they filled twelve baskets.

As a child, i had my own interpretation, imagination of what happened that day. I would always imagine Jesus performing magic --- Avarakadavra! and the 5 barley loaves turned to thousands of loaves!I imagined Jesus snapping His fingers and the thousands of loaves appeared before the crowd. But as I grew older and grew more matured in faith, I realized the meaning of these verses. Through the help of homilies and readings, I have seen a deeper meaning of the multiplication of the bread. I have also learned that miracles are not magic. This is a miracle.

When Jesus gave thanks and distributed the bread to those close to Him, the others who had their own loaves shared to those near them. The act of kindness and love Jesus showed spread off and everybody present there showed the same. That's the miracle -- from being self-centered to others-centered, from being selfish to selfless through sharing.

That miracle which happened thousands of years ago didn't die there. Up to this day, we can still see and experience that same miracle in our life. When there seemed to be no way out, you'll find a hand helping you get through. What happened to Guinsaugon, Leyte was terrible. People became homeless, worse, lost family members. Going back to normal life seemed impossible, especially the basic needs of the people. But, miracle came... people without names, and names without faces started sharing. Workers came rushing to help find family members down with the muds whether alive or dead. The act of sharing in itself is a miracle. The time spent by those people who where physically present is a miracle.

John 6:1-15 was the Gospel reading last sunday, July 30, 2006. It was also the inaguaration day of the new High School Campus in Tumaga. Exactly a year ago, many people felt that it's only a vision to put up a school in Tumaga. But what stands in the middle of that vast land is the High School building. When the names of the benefactors were read, it made me go back the Gospel reading. People shared. It's that same miracle which happened thousands of years ago.

Let there be light!!!

The beauty of the fire is appreciated in the middle of the darkness.

A life founded on strong faith still stands after every storm. It continues to witness and experience the grandeur of God's creation with pride and confidence.

Where Was I?

Lenten Reflection


Lord, where was I when you were scourged at the pillar?
where was I when they crowned you with thorns?
where was I when you fell on your knees with the cross?
where was I when they ripped off your clothes and left you naked?
where was I when they nailed you to death?
where was I when not satisfied with seeing you on the cross
they plunged the spear at your side?

Lord... I was there... watching! I couldn't do anything!
so ashamed that you have to suffer because of me.

How could I just watch you in pain?
when I was weak you offered a hand.
when I was in pain, you hugged me and took off the pain.
when I was hungry and cold, you offered food and warmth
And in all those times I just said THANK YOU... and walked away.

Lord, teach me the ways to ease your pain.
Lord, show me how to heal Your own woundedness.

April 14, 2006 Good Friday
Holy Week Retreat 2006

Don't Break the Chain!

I don't know how, where and when this started. As far as I can remember, I started receiving chain letters when I was in grade four. Chain letters then were written in 1/4 sheet of intermediate paper. As usual, bad luck "awaits you" if you break the chain.

Today, chain letters have evolved with the technology. Today's generation don't get chain letters in 1/4 sheet of paper but through emails and cellular phones. These messages vary from a simple story with a "promise" and "bad luck" attached at the end, to pictures of Jesus or Mary, still with promises and bad lucks. The stories scare you sometimes.

When I was in college, our Theology teacher included an exam question that was related to chain letter. I think it was mid-term exam. The question is in the context of "what will you do if yoy received a chain letter". The sample chain message was also written in the exam. I answered it with all honesty! My answer? *shocks!* I wrote that I would try to comply the chain letter, i won't lose anything! yikes! My teacher's reaction? What do you expect! He was frustrated *sorry!* After talking about faith in class, he still got that answer from me. *Winks* my fault... perhaps, i wasn't listening... perhaps, it was really my "faith" then.

After more than ten years, I still get chain letters. But i just disregard them. I don't normally forward the message. If I do (if I like the story), it's always minus the "promise" at the end of the message.

Have you ever complied any of these chain letters? How many of the "beautiful promises" were realized? Did bad things happen after breaking the chain? If our faith in God is authentic, we'll realize the lies these chain letters bring. If good things happen, they are bound to happen not because of the chain letter. If bad things happen it's not a consequence of breaking the chain! Sometimes bad things really happen. For me, through these we are able to appreciate the blessings we have in life. It happens to help us see God's goodness.

Things happen with purpose. God loves us and He has plans for us. And no chain letters or messages, no matter how "hich-tech" the way it's sent, can break God's love for us.

So what will you do with this chain letter in your Inbox? Delete it or, well you'll get bad luck! You can't receive messages anymore because you're inbox is full! Hahahaha

Vision, Passion, Caring Spirit

This morning, we had our yearly institutional recollection. This year's theme talks about the First Companions of the Society of Jesus. We recall the gifts of the first three companions -- Ignatius, Xavier, and Faber.

The recollection reminds us once again of our mission as individuals in this world. We have our own role. There is so much to do! We have to realize that whatever we do, wherever we are, we are part of God's divine plan. God is not physically here. He cannot physically lend a hand. But through us, God is able to help, God gives comfort to the lowly. We are God's hands to help the others, His heart to feel for others, God's ears to listen and take action, to touch and be felt. It's through us the Jesus' mission in this world lives on.

One doesn't have to be a priest, a pastor, or a nun. One doesn't have to be always present in all religious activities to help fulfill God's plan. In one's own home, workplace, grocery store, while waiting for a ride, one can be God's servant. And it is in this perception that we do things right, we do things better.

This is the vision that St. Ignatius shares with us today.

Francis Xavier, on the other hand, shares with us his passion for helping people. In this time of our life, many things have happened that would sometimes make us say "NO" or would bring a feel of hopelessness. We have gone through a lot of crises in our lives. But you see, we still stand up, take one step forward, one at a time. We always have this HOPE is us.

Have you ever wondered why at the end of the day, exhausted from work, tired of so many things, some people still manage to smile and say, "Hey, it's okey!"? Despite the difficulties in going through the day, we still look forward for tomorrow, for another day. This is because our hearts belong here... whatever we do, our heart is there. We love what we do that even in the most lowly moment, we still choose to stay and continue. Being able to do, to help and be part of this work is our joy. That is passion.

The last gift talks about caring spirit. We have heard this several times, millions of times! We can only teach kindness of the heart and caring spirit when we ourselves do care and show kindness. This is what Faber taught us. Many of us don't know Faber... his works were not made known, unlike that of Ignatius and Xavier. Why? For me, it's because, doing God's work doesn't have to be known all the time. Doesn't have to be big, doesn't have to make a big bang.. it can be simple things. Simple things with great impact. Simple touch, a cup of coffee, libre pasahe :) a simple hello and thank you. This is true caring.

"God intervened"

One of the questions I don't fail to hear from people who ask about my past relationship is "why? what went wrong?". Of course, previous to that, they'd ask me if I have a boyfriend. And my answer is obviously "No, I don't". And question goes on...until you hear the "Oh, what happened? Why did you break up?". I found it difficult to answer before. But now, I have found a better way of answering "God intervened" :)

It's not a joke. And I don't think it's bad to say that He really intervened. Whenever I am in a relationship, I always pray for my partner, for our relationship. I do pray for the good of the relationship. When things go wrong, I do pray, too. The answers I got were hard and painful, but as time goes on, I understand. I always learn to accept the fate but at the same time, hopeful.

In our life, God intervened a number of times. It's not only about relationships, it could be in work, in the family, with friends.

I remember an incident way back in High School. I was on my way to school. I would just take a walk from our place to my school. After I reached the intersection of the road and turned to the main street, I heard a crash behind me. Finding out what it was, I saw a tricycle, turned up-side-down. The driver stood up, not hurt.

Looking at the situation, and trying to make a replay in slow motion, I missed or the tricyle missed me for 4-5 steps. What if I was not in a hurry for school? What if I walked relaxly? Did that hit me? I saw God's hands intervening in that scene. He made me walked faster, because if He didn't, I would have been hit by the tricycle.

God's way of intervening comes in different forms. They come as a situation that changes our decision, a comforting friend, a stranger's help, a sudden changed of weather, a missed ride...

I can tell you more stories of God's intervention, but that would mean I won't take lunch today, dinner tonight.. and you'd read this entry till monday morning :)

Anyway, what's your story? In what way did God intervened?

When things happen, try to listen and try to see beyond what your eyes can. You might see God's hands in action.

The sixth sense

The busiest times of my work is the opening and closing of a semester. Summer classes have ended and preparations for the new school year begin.

Despite the busy morning, I’m thankful that I made it to the noon mass at the Sacred Heart chapel. And it’s also a blessing that I am writing my “retreat” now.

Today, we celebrate The Visitation. Perhaps, majority of us, Christians, know what happened during The Visitation. For those who don’t, I would suggest that you read Luke 1:39-47. 

In any masses I attend, I always look forward to the Homily. For me, the Homily helps me understand the Gospel and help me realize many things as a person and as a Christian. Specifically, Fr. Jun’s Homily taught me one thing that I greatly need today and the days to come.

How do we see the world? If I may quote Fr. Jun, “We see the world with our eyes”… “We experience the physical world with our senses: eyes, tongue, ears, hands, nose”. But the world is not all the time experienced using our senses. Different people may view a thing in different ways. Many, if not all, define an object based on their own experiences in the past. If they were hurt before, they learn not to trust too easily. Others, who had a more happy life could trust and love more easily than the others. Some people may view life with fear but others with great openness.

Well, the example went on and on. But what is more important is the lesson drawn out from these examples. People see things differently, and let’s accept that. In accepting, let us learn to be more open and more understanding if the other person is different from us. Let us learn to appreciate our difference, and understand why they view things the way they do.

All these made me pause and think

Tomorrow, we will implement, for the first time on a regular semester, the automated student evaluation system. I have used the system this summer, and I don’t find major problems using the system. I understand the system flow because I was part of those who initially planned for the system, and I am involved in the evaluation of the system. This afternoon, I have received calls from people who had difficulties in using the system. And there, I remember Fr. Jun’s Homily.

Slowly, I opened my mind and understand their troubles in using the system. Instead of getting disappointed, I tried to think of a better way to help these fellow teachers. And I thank God for the grace of understanding, of being more patient. This is an experience where I didn’t make use of my physical senses.

Pressure and Prayer

Grabe.. sakit ng ulo ko!!!
Stressed.. pressured... umiinit na naman ulo ko.
sandali...
pikit ko muna mata ko...and try to settle in a peaceful mood.
kaya ko pa...
magbibilang ba? 1 2 3 inhale.. exhale...
tatahimik... inhale.. exhale..
unload muna... para kaya pa...

Lord Jesus, I long for your embrace,
an embrace of a friend,
a friend who comforts when I am weak,
when i am tired,
when I am pressured...

Give me enough strength to move on,
to give more, and do more...
For your Greater Glory...

Thank you for this day...

Amen.

Trials and Graces

Many of us find our way back to God amidst difficultie and trials. Many of us realize our desire for God when dark clouds hover us. We cling to this Hope that somehow, someday, this dark moment would end.

There are also moments when we question His presence because we wanted to believe that if He is present, if He doesn't leave us, this trial, this dark moment will never happen in the first place. If He is here, He would never allowed this thing to happen.

The approach, the attitude on how this must be faced depends on us. Different people have different ways of dealing with the situation. The desire of being close to Him, burns even more intensely as situations like this happen to some people. Others draw the gap even wider.

Hope. We cling to this hope and say that this dark clouds would be gone one day. And when it's gone, we'd be a better person. Sometimes, trials teaches us lessons. It molds us to be better, tougher persons. It shapes our personalities and opens our eyes to perspectives. I think this is the grace brought about by trials. It brings out the bravery hidden within us. It allows us to extend to what we just normally give. And God wanted us to be better persons, bring our our talents, take that simple step to be good children.

Some trials simply test our faith. Temptations, in form of trials sat around the corner, ready to take a bit of what we have. But again, it teaches us to endure temptations. Surpassing all these, we cab say that we have opted to be better persons and good children of God.

If we experience trials and hardships, let's pray that we hear God's voice within. Let's pray that we will overcome all of these. With God's grace, we will survive and succeed.

In the end, we have stronger faith and better views of life. And you'd realize that God never left. He was just watching you, giving you support all along.

Time, Change, and Life

It was like few days ago when I started as a college freshman in Ateneo. Looking back,life was so simple then. The only concern I had was my grade. I had to make it through every semester. The only things I would look forward to were examinations and enrollments.

After four years, I decided to stay and teach. I made that decision as a gratitude of a scholar. My whole 4 years of study was financed by the Ramon L. Siy Scholarship Foundation through our Scholarships office. The goodness that these people showed made me decide to stay for a while and teach. After 2 or 3 years of teaching, I thought, I will try greener pastures.

Writing this now make me smile. The past few days made me pause and think of those decisions. I didn't qualify the "while" in my plans then. Didn't think that the "while" could be 11 years, and counting. Yes, it has been eleven (11) years; 11 years of studying and preparing, of meeting new students, of going in and out of the Ateneo gates. Sometimes, I do wonder how I made it through :) but knowing that some people have been here for 20 years or so, makes it really great! 11 years came unnoticed. I can't remember getting tired of the campus. Perhaps, I have found a home with Ateneo. My second home. And my teachers, my co-teachers, my bosses, my students as my "housemates".

*sigh*... Life is not simple at all. It becomes complicated. And it's a challenge how to make this complicated and busy life simple.

Now, as I enter my 11th year of teaching, and as I end my term as a department chair, there's a feeling of excitement and sadness. I feel excited that, after 5 years, finally, I can relax a bit. The experience I had as department chair was not at all easy. Many times during my term, I wished I wasn't one. But the challenge continued. For every harship I faced came the lessons to learn. Lessons that I didn't learn as a student. Indeed, experience is the best teacher. However, I feel sad. Many of us doesn't like change especially if we have gotten use to this kind of life. But change must come. Without change, there's no growth. Change must happen for us to grow as a person and as a professional.

At times, there's fear. This feeling is here because I don't know what is to come next. Life is full of uncertainties. I have plans, ok. But, we still don't know how would this go.

Jer. 29: 11 says "I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future you hope for"

In these changes that I have now, I surrender it to God. I pray for patience, for strengths as I make another step of my life. I pray that whatever is ahead, God will lead the way.


( I miss making blog entries. The work I have the past 2 weeks made me visit or write less. And I am happy that I have a new entry here. I apologize for any grammatical error. ;) Perhaps when skills in writing came down from heaven, my mother was sleeping :) just kidding)

Listening Matters...

John 10:27 "My sheep hears my voice, and I know, then they follow me."

Praying is our way of communicating with God. We pray because we have special intentions, we thank for the graces we have received, we pray for protection. We talk to God. One of the things I learned is that praying is not only talking to God but also LISTENING to God. We allow, through prayer, Him to say what He wants, or for us to FEEL His presence. Perhaps, many of us pray and talk without listening.

Communication is one of the important factors in relationships -- frienship, husband and wife, children and parents, teachers and students, and so on. This is also important in relating with God. Many would feel empty or alone, and they pray, groping, asking God "WHY?" or "Where are you, Lord?" Perhaps, we just forgot that God never leaves us, that He carries us when we cannot take another step, or comforts us when all else seem dark. But we don't feel it! Why? Perhaps, we are too focused with the problem, too engulfed with our feelings that wecould hear nothing but our cries. Communication also means allowing the Other to talk to you, and give you comfort. And that only happens when we open our hearts and our minds, set pride aside.

Let us allow Jesus to hold us and give comfort through His words. Let us also learn to listen to His voice, even in the most dark moments. His words bring hope and you'll never know, dark clouds are gone.

Yes, prayer with Listening allows me to be more sensitive with God's words. Listening matters, all the time.

What's the Difference?

When I learned that I was one of those chosen for the Holy Week Retreat in Manila, I got excited. Of course, I have my "other agenda" aside from the retreat. Alright, this is a silent retreat. People who know me jokingly suggested that I bring with me plastic tape just in case I can't hold on to my silence. They know me as someone who loves talking! They couldn't see me as someone who is serious when it comes to matters like this.

I sent some close friends a forwarded message about what would be the first word they could think of when they hear my name: Erlyn. One said "ngisi" (smile). In their answers, there was never a word that would picture me as someone who is serious. hehehe ganyan ba talaga ako?

So? Silent Retreat? Erlyn? Ma'am Rose, our President's secretary couldn't even imagine me being a "spiritual director"! Parang "chaos" ata dala ko... (joke) The truth is, i was able to contain the silence during the retreat. I have controlled myself. I would be honest though that there was moment that I really had to talk. But it's because it's very important. What amazed me is that even if I talked, i didn't "break" my silence within. I have realized that silence is not the absence of talking. That even if you don't talk, it means you have silence within. The silence during a retreat has a greater meaning.

But what did this retreat do to me? Did I change from being the "palangisi" type to the "holy" type? Would they stop describing me as the "happy" and "loves-to-talk" me? (Don't want to use "talkative" :) masyadong negative *wink*)Would their impression of me change?

I don't think I have changed this picture I projected of myself. This is me, and I don't think it's easy to change. But I guess, what the retreat has done to me is something that people cannot see with their bare eyes. A friend of mine, after reading my entries in this blogsite, said that she's seeing a "different" Erlyn. It's like the "other-side" of me. Some people couldn't believe that these entries here are written by me. Maybe some would feel awkward, "kiwawan" kung sa bisaya pa. Well, reading the entries for the nth time, i myself couldn't believe these are mine! Maybe, in all these entries, SOMEBODY is helping me what to write.

I don't want to claim that I am "holier" after the retreat. It's "hypocrisy". But I know there is a difference. At this time, i am still thinking of how to name it. The difference is not seen. But I can feel it...

When expectations are not met...

Wherever we go, we almost have a picture of what to happen. An activity is planned out well to make sure everything will run smoothly. When we travel, we make sure things are set and we sometimes prepare checklist of what to bring. We plan because we want to make things close to perfect.

However, changes are inevitable. The driver is late, the weather did not cooperate, heavy traffic affected our meetings, and so on. And what do we feel? We feel disappointed. We also feel disappointed when someone doesn't do the job the way we wanted it to be. More often than not, we really feel bad about it and think of "what ifs". We feel disheartened because our expectations, what WE wanted to happen didn't happen.

What if, in all these, God is saying something? What if, when we fall short of our expectations, something better comes out? Most of the time, we only see the problem. Maybe it's good to pause and see things from a "bird's eye view". Distance yourself for a while and see why and how things happened. Maybe some answers are hanging around.


Isn't it that in all these a solution pops in? And isn't it that, when we fail, we also learn? Let us not allow ourselves to get stuck to the negative effect of this. Instead, let's turn the coin and see what is at the other side of it.

Maybe then, we'd realize that God has another purpose. He has another plan.

The picture of Him

John 14:6-14 "Jesus the Way to the Father"
"I am the Way, the Truth and the Life. No one goes to the Father except through Me".

This was the gospel reading yesterday. Fr. Buddy's homily is practical. It made me think and reflect, and feel guilty somehow ;)His homily was in chavacano (local dialect).

GUILTY!

Yes, many of us (including myself) will only remember the last part of this gospel reading: "If you ask anything in my name, I will do it". Many of us have forgotten about the picture of Jesus Christ in the Bible-- loving, forgiving, ever good Jesus. We have focused on Jesus as the "Provider"-- the Banker whom we run to when we need cash, the "shoulder to cry on" when we are broken hearted, the "Police" who makes us feel secure when we don't feel safe at all. Many of us would say out loud "Give us today our daily bread" when we pray the Lord's prayer.

I'm not saying that it's wrong. We really do ask. We ask for graces in different forms. But, what we should not forget is that Jesus, the Son of God, became One like us to give as a picture of what God is like. During the times of Moses and Abraham, God was felt and heard, but never seen. His VOICE became their guide. However, no one knows what our God is like.

Jesus became one like us to set us examples of what the Father wants us to be, how to love and care for God and for our fellowmen. Jesus' teachings are not His but of the Father. Jesus is the model. He is the Way to the Father.

But God gave us freedom to decide. Follow Christ... or our own ways.

Mixed Emotions...

Easter Sunday
April 16, 2006

We are about to end the Holy Week retreat. I have packed my things. By noon, we have to leave this place.

Pham and I met our spiritual director early that morning. Since this is the last day of our retreat, Bro. Bhong decided to meet us both in one session. We had a short sharing of experiences, of funny and emotional moments during our stay. It was a "lighter" session.

My sharing was focused on blessings, challenges, feelings.

I feel blessed for the opportunity of being part of a beautiful holy week retreat. I have said it a number of times but I don't get tired of thanking God and the people who were instruments of making me part of this. I feel blessed for feeling God's presence, for learning how to LISTEN and not just TALK to Him. I remember the encounters with Him and recalling those moments would always bring a beautiful feeling within.

Second is, there is fear. The experience inside the retreat house is so beautiful that I feared how this can be transcended outside. Sharing what my experiences were with my spiritual director was very easy. This is because I knew he would understand. He's my SD, of course! He knew how to draw out emotions and make me speak. He knew how to process all these! But what about outside? WOuld someone listen to what I would say? If I say that God talked to me, would they believe me? Wouldn't they apply logic in my experience and say "all these are coincidence"?

I also fear the challenges ahead. Many times, our faith is tested. Temptation is always around looking for the best time to hit us. The apostles had their own share of tests when they continued Jesus' mission on Earth. How would I face the challenges ahead? Am I strong enough for them? But I hope and pray, that with God's grace, I will be able to overcome whatever difficulties ahead.

Thirdly, there is mixed emotions of leaving the place. Unlike the other retreats I had, I felt sad that finally this would end. I have been comfortable with the place, and especially the silence. I didn't want it to end. But God is telling me that this is not my place. Whatever I have started here should not end here. This is not the end but the start of a "new life", a life of new realizations and of different perspective.

The retreat gave me a different view of life and of God. It renewed my picture of God, from a distant God to a God who is near and Who listens. I have made a different relationship of Jesus... Jesus is a friend and like any other friend, He also want to be listened to, to be felt, and He feels pain. The retreat gave names to my feelings unknown to me. It gave my "ABCs" of prayer.

This is easter sunday! This is the day the Lord has made! This is the origin of HOPE! Without this day, hope will never be defined.

I end my retreat with greater hope of keeping what I have started here...

The Songs of my Heart

I love music. I love to sing.

But I am selective. I don't just go for any song. I like songs that I can relate to, or that talks about what I feel.


I love Barbra Streisand's songs especially "Lessons to be learned" . I like James Taylor and Don Mcleans songs. They speak of life.

When I was 10 or 11, I remember being moved by these lines in a christian song:

"Here is my heart, here is my mind
Here is my soul, here is my whole self"


When I was in college, the first time I heard of "Paghahandog Ng Sarili" I fell in love with the song! And so I had collections of Bukas Palad Cassettes before.

The songs speak of life, of God and of myself. They give name to the feelings that were unknown to me before. If I don't know what words to say in a prayer, I sing the songs. Whenever I am in pain, I love to sing "O Hesus, Hilumin Mo".

These songs are prayers. I remember one Jesuit priest asked us to sing with the choir. Songs are also prayers. Indeed!

I own one Himig Heswita CD now "Dwelling Place". I play it before I go to sleep, or before I set myself to prayer. It gives me a sense of peace and composition. And sometimes, it puts me to sleep :)

"How Lovely is you Dwelling Place, Oh Lord!"

Heaven, Hell, or Love

"Pagkabighani" [Prayer of St. Francis Xavier]
(A.Alejo, SJ and M. Francisco, SJ)

Hindi sa langit mong pangako sa akin
Ako naaakit na kita'y mahalin
At hindi sa apoy, kahit anong lagim
Ako mapipilit nginig Kang sambahin

Naaakit ako nang ika'y mamalas,
Nakapako sa krus, hinahamak-hamak.
Naaakit ako sa 'Yong katawang may sugat
At nang tinanggap Mong kamataya't libak.

Naaakit ako sa Yong pag-ibig.
Kaya't mahal kita, kahit walang langit
Kahit walang apoy, sa Yo'y manginginig.
H'wag nang mag-abala upang ibigin Ka.
Pagkat kung pag-asa'y bula lamang pala.
Walang magbabago, mahal pa rin Kita.



I fear death. Then something happened. I was a victim of dengue fever. I was in the hospital for 5 days with my platelet count going down everyday. Then there was the possibility of breast cancer. I had a "mass" somewhere in my left breast, and the doctor was trying to debrief me of possible diagnosis. There I realized that death is real. It's not a myth, it's not selective. It happens to everyone.

I may have survived the dengue fever last year, or had false alarm with the "mass" in my left breast, but my picture of death didn't change.

This song reminds me of my relationship with God. Why do I fear God? Because I fear hell. Why do I love God? Because I want to be in Heaven when I die. What if there's no Heaven? or Hell? If this is my reason of loving God, then I don't wonder now why I kept on turning my back from Him. I had patterns of sins! I questioned my faith several times. Why do I repeat the pattern? Because this is my basis of my faith : Fear of Hell or Love for Heaven.

I have changed my reasons... I love God not because I fear Hell, but because I love Him! He is the reason why I am here. He is the beginning and the end of life. When a friend loves you and you love him back because of who he is, that's a strong foundation. You accept both the strenghts and weaknesses of the person. That's the same with God. He loves me even with my sinfulness! His goodness made me realize many things... and I love God because of His goodness and love. Because He is LOVE!

And the greatest symbol of God's love is the Cross.
The greatest manifestation of God's love is His Son, Jesus.

Cross: Suffering God and the Consequence of His Love

Good Friday
April 14, 2006

We gathered in front of the Novitiate's main building. Few minute passed 1:00PM, we made our way of the cross. Trying to recall my feelings, I always wondered why the experience during the retreat is always different. It isn't my first time to make the "way of the Cross". We would always do it every Holy Week at Abong-Abong Park.

Maybe it's the silence... maybe it's the place... maybe it's how I have composed myself. Maybe... maybe...

The prayers read at every station were felt. When we got to the 3rd Station (Jesus falls the first time) I almost cried. I don't know but I have imagined how painful it could be! The cross is heavy, the sun is hot, and because of exhaustion, Jesus fell. He's carrying the cross to save us! It's for us! I also imagined the kind of road they had then. It's not concrete. And when you fall on your knees, you will really feel the pebbles piercing, your skin possibly bleeding. And there's the cross that added more weight! Aahhh!

All throughout, i was thinking of Jesus' knees, in pain.

At 3:00PM, we had the veneration of the Cross. Still not getting over the feeling earlier, my feeling is so heavy again when the Passion and Death of Christ (the day's Gospel) was read. I have imagined how Jesus suffered, how evil the guards pierced the lance at His side! They were not satisfied of nailing Him! Ang sakit nun!!! Naiiyak na namam akO! But I was able to hold my tears.

Part of the celebration is to kiss the Cross. Retreatants queue in towards the cross held by two novices. As i came closer to the cross, my heavy heart started to give in... I cried... I kissed the wounded knees of Christ. Again, can't hold back any more. When I got back to the seat, I felt so ashamed! I felt so sorry for Him.

Jesus: My Hero and My Friend

Why did I cry? I asked myself. "It's not your first time to attend this kind of celebration or kiss the cross!" I could hear myself saying...

No... but it's only today that I realized how God love us. Jesus allowed suffering to happen to him. Not to please the Father but to save us from eternal death. Jesus is the Hero. It's not superman! It's not spiderman! Jesus is MY HERO.

I cried because I felt His pain! I may not exactly know what He felt, but I could imagine how painful it was! When you see a friend suffering, you feel his/her pain, you cry. When you watch teleserye, and see the "bida" suffering, you cry. Why? Because you can feel what they go through. Because you have imagined their pains! And here is Christ who suffered for us!

I just felt closer to Him.. I wanted to console Him but how? Whenever I feel down, or when I am hurt, when everything else seemed to go against me, I call on Him and He didn't fail me. He's always there to comfort me. And now, He's the one suffering. But where am I??? Here... just watching, so helpless. Didn't know how to comfort Him! And it's so painful!

I stayed at the chapel even after the celebration. I just let it all out... I couldn't find comfort with my realization. My feeling was so heavy...

"Saan ito patungo?"

One of the pictures I do not get tired of viewing is the picture of this road in the Novitiate. I was told it's called "Sacred Heart". There is a mystifying feeling about this picture. When I was there, I would just stand in the middle of the road and look as far as my sight could. And in all those times, I would always get mixed emotions. I would always ask myself, "Where is this road leading me?" I knew for a fact that the end of this road is the gate of the novitiate :) but I can't help but ask that question. It looked like an endless path. The grass and trees guarding the road looked so beautiful and full of life!

I miss the place... i miss the silence it brings... I will never forget this place because this is where I found myself again...

And now, I realized where the road led me. It led me back to God. Ito pala ang naging daan patungo sa Kanya...

Pictures courtesy of Jesuit Novitiate

Philippians 4:10-13

Philippians 4:10-13

[10]I rejoice in the Lord greatly that now at last you have revived your concern for me; indeed, you were concerned for me, but had no opportunity to show it. [11]Not that I am referring to being in need; for I have learned to be content with whatever I have. [12]I know what it is to have little, and I know what it is to have plenty. In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being well-fed and of going hungry, of having plenty and of being in need. [13] I can do all things through him who strengthens me. (Source: http://bible.oremus.org/)


If there is one miracle during my retreat, it is this passage. What happened during that day is one of the beautiful and unforgettable experiences I have. I share it to everyone to tell you that miracles do happen in our life. God do talk to us in many ways. And here, he talked to me through the verses. If Paul wrote this referring to God, in my experience, it was God who was thanking me for my realizations. He did understand my weaknesses and was telling me in verse [10] "it's alright, you didn't really leave me, but you didn't have the chance to show you care for me". Yes! This is exactly what I am guilty of! God is so good and He love me! And here I am, not even knowing how to thank Him! I'm so guilty! Reading the verses affirmed God's goodness. If you only go back to Him, he's always willing to accept you as His own child.

What makes this really special is this: I am happy and grateful that I have found my way back to God. But the verses is saying a different thing: God is much happier seeing me back to Him.

"Thanks for the Gifts"

Third Prayer Period
Maundy Thursday
April 13, 2006


Indeed God listened to our prayers. Indeed, silence can bring us much closer to God. When you don't speak, when you let silence absorb everything, you can hear God "talking" to you.

It was my 3rd prayer period. After reading the verses (Rom 7:14-25 The conflict in us) I decided to sing the song, "Hesus, Hilumin mo". It's one of my favorite songs. It's a prayer for healing. It is about asking for God's healing power, to heal me in my woundedness so I can heal the others.

"O Hesus, hilumin mo.
Aking sugatang puso.
Nang aking mahango.
Kapwa kong kasimbigo"

While singing, I left my bible on the bench with my journal. And played around with the mahogany leaves on the ground. Then I thought of what to say for thanksgiving. This is my 3rd prayer period! I was quite worried of what to say. I have said many thanksgiving during the first two prayer periods. I have said them all, i thought.

Then I went back to the bench where I left my things. The bible was opened. As i bent to get the bible, I saw the page where it was opened. It says " Thanks for the Gifts" Philippians 4:10-13.

Reading the verses, i realized God was talking to me! He was talking to me in these verses! Couldn't help again but cry! I was like a cry baby during the retreat. I felt to vulnerable.

But the feeling is beautiful! It was so beautiful that I can't help but share it with you.

And I worried not about what to say for thanksgiving... God helped me find the words.

That is the bench where I left my bible and found it opened at Philippians 4:10-13.

The Prodigal Daughter

THE PRODIGAL DAUGHTER

April 13, 2006
Maundy Thursday

I met my spiritual director early that morning, just as we have scheduled. I was excited! For the first time after a few hours , I can talk about what I feel. If you feel many things and you don't have anyone to talk to, you feel like exploding! But God gave me the grace of patience. The feelings were able to wait and shared with my SD.

First Period of Prayer
1:30PM, Immaculate Conception Chapel

Readings: Luke 15:11-31 "The prodigal son"

I was given a guide on what scriptures to read and how to go about my prayer periods. I was told to possibly make at most 3 for today, and 1 tomorrow.

I started with the story of the prodigal son. I've heard, read about these passages a number of times, especially during Holy Weeks. Reading the passage this time was different. I have seen myself more clearly in the story. I'm the prodigal son.

Many times, I didn't care much about the Father. I have failed to attend masses because of this and that reasons. I prefer sleeping than going to mass. I felt lazy. Or, if schedule is tight, I would choose to do my thing and forget about masses.

But this doesn't mean I have totally forgotten about my faith. I still pray, I still believe in God during those times. It was just that I was too much comfortable with my life and God was in the background. It’s only when life is difficult or when I am in pain that I remember and call God’s name. And He never failed to listen to my call. And here I am, too lazy to do my duties as Christian. I feel guilty now because I have acknowledged the sacredness of the Holy Eucharist. Mass is highest form of prayer!

God's Healing...

Realizing all these, and trying to follow the guide my spiritual director gave, i went on and prayed for God's forgiveness and healing. In one of the retreats I attended in Zamboanga, we were asked to close our eyes and imagine Christ in front of us and tell Him what was in our hearts.

I did that. Praying for the graces, I want to picture Jesus in front of me while saying what I feel. It's not praying. It's saying. I want to have a personal conversation with Him. That was I wanted.

Kneeling...with hands clasped, I slowly closed my eyes and tried to imagine Jesus. I saw Jesus, in His Most Sacred Heart, in front of me, holding my clasp hands! And there...I didn't hold back anymore. I just felt myself crying, my heart was soooo heavy! Felt sorry for all the things I did that hurt Him. It was like unburdening. It was like really talking to a friend, to someone you have hurt! Like a child, the more I am comforted, the more I cry my heart out!

Then I realized this: When a relationship fails, the one who truly loves get hurt. Jesus is hurt every time I turn my back from Him. Feeling it during that time makes me really ashamed of myself!

Accepting my failures, surrendering it to Him, slowly, the heaviness in my heart fades...

Retreat Orientation: "Setting the Mood"

"Saan ka patungo?"

April 12, 2006, 8:00PM
The Start of the Retreat

We were welcome by the Retreat Director, Fr. Arnie Bugtas, SJ. He gave us the directions on how to go about the retreat. It was also during this time that we met our spiritual directors.

Pham Mandi and I have the same Spiritual Director, Bhong Tobe, nSJ. Bro. Bhong is a Jesuit novice. We had a little introduction and set schedule for our everyday meeting. I was set to meet my SD (short for spiritual director) every 8:00am.

Then silence begins… we were not allowed to talk for the duration of the retreat. It’s a silent retreat. We were given “assignments” to start off with our retreat. There were questions (reflection) to serve as our guide. It’s more on “setting the mood” for the. Still, at this point, I didn’t know how to go about this. Again, with God’s grace, I prayed that I will be guided to have a fruitful retreat.

RECALL THE DESIRES THAT BROUGHT YOU HERE

I have stated my reasons for joining this retreat. However, I realized something during the orientation. Fr. Bugtas mentioned about how St. Ignatius pray. Before he (St. Ignatius) enters a chapel, he prays for the Holy Presence of God, for him to feel God more in his prayers. He just didn’t pray and say what he wants!

Yes, maybe that’s what I am here for – God’s presence. I do pray. I pray before I leave for work, I pray for safety, for “our daily bread”. I pray for graces and thanksgiving. I say written prayers. But somehow, I prayed to God from a distance. I imagined God to be up there! Unreachable! A God who watches me from above; someone who can’t come near me because He is up there.

I tried to find my faith, but no, my faith is always there. It’s not my faith but my relationship with God! How do I see God in my life? What’s my relationship with God?

These are the questions I have to start off my retreat. All the other reasons became secondary. I have focused on this desire in my heart: God’s presence.

Long Distance Relationship

Yes, I have realized that’s how I pictured God in my life, someone who is far, someone who is at a distance. Then I started asking myself, “WHY?” Trying to assess my own self, my feelings, my life, I have found few answers to my questions.

First, it’s sin. We are humans (cliché) and we sin. However, our constant sinning brought as farther from God. We had a choice: Feel sorry for our sins or multiply our sins. And took the latter. Guilt created a wider gap between me and God. Deep inside, I know what I have to do, but I prefer to do otherwise. I stopped attending masses regularly. If I did, my mind wanders from east to west during masses.

When you have done something wrong to someone, and you’re guilty, you find it hard to face the person, or talk to the person. That’s an analogy. Somehow, that’s what had happened to me.

Second, fear. Because of my guilt, I have stopped asking God for graces. Look at it this way: You have a friend. You keep on asking for favors and he always grant these favors. How would he feel if he would found out that you are a bad friend? And you feel guilty. I stopped because I felt “nahihiya” for asking and asking favors without even feeling sorry for my wrong doings. Again, I have set a distance between me and God.

Thirdly, my problems and pressures have made me think less of God. Simple and small problems at work, at home, relationships, all these have piled up.

The retreat made me realized all these. It made me accept my sinfullness, be sorry for them. And with these realizations and acceptance, I have learned to unload the heaviness in my heart and made my way closer to God.

With Bro. Bhong Tobe, my spiritual director

The Holy Week Retreat '06

Sacred Heart Novitiate Grounds
The serene place reminds me of my beautiful experience with God

April 12, 2006, Holy Week Retreal ‘06
Sacred Heart Novitiate, Novaliches Quezon City

We arrived at the venue in the afternoon and after a short time for registration, we went up and found our rooms. RM 315. This was my room. I’m not used to sleeping alone in a room, much more in a new place. But there was no turning back. This is a silent retreat. I cannot disturb other’s peace and silence just because I’m not used to be alone in a room. I have to get used to this and enjoy the moment all by myself.

This was my first holy week retreat, and my first silent retreat away from Zamboanga. I felt excited, yet uncertain about how the retreat will go about. I didn’t know how to get through this silent retreat. But I prayed for God’s grace to help me through and make this retreat a fruitful one.

Why am I here?

It was all of a coincidence, or shall a say “a divine plan”. I have heard about holy week retreats two years ago. I was even invited last year, but I declined. I gave alibis just to convince them I am not going.

Last January, during a planning session in the department, Maureene told me about her experience in one of the Holy Week retreats. Listening to her stories, I was motivated to sign up for the Holy week retreat. The week after, our Formation Coordinator approached me if I am interested to join the Holy Week retreat. I wrote my intentions and sent it to Fr. Jun Viray, our Formation Director. And, finally! I got a note saying I was one of those who were chosen to attend the Holy Week Retreat.

Reason #1. It’s an opportunity to go to Manila for free!!! Yes! The school will pay for the airfare to manila, and of course a little allowance for us.

Reason #2. Maybe, this is an opportunity for me to bring back my religiosity and spirituality. Honestly, it seemed that I have distance myself from God. I have questions in life. Maybe it had something to do with my faith. Maybe… maybe…

Reason #3. This is one way to be with “myself” again. The pressures at work and at home make me forget to think about myself, my feelings, the things I want in life. I forgot to “listen” and to feel.

Reason # 4. This is vacation! Break! Break! Break!

But all these reasons changed…

My Retreat..

This is the same theme as that of my friendster blog. Retreat...

In life, we want a moment of silence, or a moment for ourselves. Some dines out, some watch movies, go to beaches, go to far away places. Some look for a moment with their inner self. And I'm one of them. I want to find myself, relish moments with the Creator.

Retreat is defined as " A place affording peace, quiet, privacy, or security" or " A period of seclusion, retirement, or solitude" (www.dictionary.com)





Picture taken from Sacred Heart Novitiate
Novaliches, Quezon City








This blogsite will serve as a place where I share my experiences with God, moments of realizations, moments of silence. I will start with my Holy week retreat just recently. I share with you all these because I don't want these experiencese to die like a dream.

For those who drop by and read my entries, I hope that you learn something from my experiences.

Thank you for dropping by...

Erlyn