Cross: Suffering God and the Consequence of His Love

Good Friday
April 14, 2006

We gathered in front of the Novitiate's main building. Few minute passed 1:00PM, we made our way of the cross. Trying to recall my feelings, I always wondered why the experience during the retreat is always different. It isn't my first time to make the "way of the Cross". We would always do it every Holy Week at Abong-Abong Park.

Maybe it's the silence... maybe it's the place... maybe it's how I have composed myself. Maybe... maybe...

The prayers read at every station were felt. When we got to the 3rd Station (Jesus falls the first time) I almost cried. I don't know but I have imagined how painful it could be! The cross is heavy, the sun is hot, and because of exhaustion, Jesus fell. He's carrying the cross to save us! It's for us! I also imagined the kind of road they had then. It's not concrete. And when you fall on your knees, you will really feel the pebbles piercing, your skin possibly bleeding. And there's the cross that added more weight! Aahhh!

All throughout, i was thinking of Jesus' knees, in pain.

At 3:00PM, we had the veneration of the Cross. Still not getting over the feeling earlier, my feeling is so heavy again when the Passion and Death of Christ (the day's Gospel) was read. I have imagined how Jesus suffered, how evil the guards pierced the lance at His side! They were not satisfied of nailing Him! Ang sakit nun!!! Naiiyak na namam akO! But I was able to hold my tears.

Part of the celebration is to kiss the Cross. Retreatants queue in towards the cross held by two novices. As i came closer to the cross, my heavy heart started to give in... I cried... I kissed the wounded knees of Christ. Again, can't hold back any more. When I got back to the seat, I felt so ashamed! I felt so sorry for Him.

Jesus: My Hero and My Friend

Why did I cry? I asked myself. "It's not your first time to attend this kind of celebration or kiss the cross!" I could hear myself saying...

No... but it's only today that I realized how God love us. Jesus allowed suffering to happen to him. Not to please the Father but to save us from eternal death. Jesus is the Hero. It's not superman! It's not spiderman! Jesus is MY HERO.

I cried because I felt His pain! I may not exactly know what He felt, but I could imagine how painful it was! When you see a friend suffering, you feel his/her pain, you cry. When you watch teleserye, and see the "bida" suffering, you cry. Why? Because you can feel what they go through. Because you have imagined their pains! And here is Christ who suffered for us!

I just felt closer to Him.. I wanted to console Him but how? Whenever I feel down, or when I am hurt, when everything else seemed to go against me, I call on Him and He didn't fail me. He's always there to comfort me. And now, He's the one suffering. But where am I??? Here... just watching, so helpless. Didn't know how to comfort Him! And it's so painful!

I stayed at the chapel even after the celebration. I just let it all out... I couldn't find comfort with my realization. My feeling was so heavy...