Retreat Orientation: "Setting the Mood"

"Saan ka patungo?"

April 12, 2006, 8:00PM
The Start of the Retreat

We were welcome by the Retreat Director, Fr. Arnie Bugtas, SJ. He gave us the directions on how to go about the retreat. It was also during this time that we met our spiritual directors.

Pham Mandi and I have the same Spiritual Director, Bhong Tobe, nSJ. Bro. Bhong is a Jesuit novice. We had a little introduction and set schedule for our everyday meeting. I was set to meet my SD (short for spiritual director) every 8:00am.

Then silence begins… we were not allowed to talk for the duration of the retreat. It’s a silent retreat. We were given “assignments” to start off with our retreat. There were questions (reflection) to serve as our guide. It’s more on “setting the mood” for the. Still, at this point, I didn’t know how to go about this. Again, with God’s grace, I prayed that I will be guided to have a fruitful retreat.

RECALL THE DESIRES THAT BROUGHT YOU HERE

I have stated my reasons for joining this retreat. However, I realized something during the orientation. Fr. Bugtas mentioned about how St. Ignatius pray. Before he (St. Ignatius) enters a chapel, he prays for the Holy Presence of God, for him to feel God more in his prayers. He just didn’t pray and say what he wants!

Yes, maybe that’s what I am here for – God’s presence. I do pray. I pray before I leave for work, I pray for safety, for “our daily bread”. I pray for graces and thanksgiving. I say written prayers. But somehow, I prayed to God from a distance. I imagined God to be up there! Unreachable! A God who watches me from above; someone who can’t come near me because He is up there.

I tried to find my faith, but no, my faith is always there. It’s not my faith but my relationship with God! How do I see God in my life? What’s my relationship with God?

These are the questions I have to start off my retreat. All the other reasons became secondary. I have focused on this desire in my heart: God’s presence.

Long Distance Relationship

Yes, I have realized that’s how I pictured God in my life, someone who is far, someone who is at a distance. Then I started asking myself, “WHY?” Trying to assess my own self, my feelings, my life, I have found few answers to my questions.

First, it’s sin. We are humans (cliché) and we sin. However, our constant sinning brought as farther from God. We had a choice: Feel sorry for our sins or multiply our sins. And took the latter. Guilt created a wider gap between me and God. Deep inside, I know what I have to do, but I prefer to do otherwise. I stopped attending masses regularly. If I did, my mind wanders from east to west during masses.

When you have done something wrong to someone, and you’re guilty, you find it hard to face the person, or talk to the person. That’s an analogy. Somehow, that’s what had happened to me.

Second, fear. Because of my guilt, I have stopped asking God for graces. Look at it this way: You have a friend. You keep on asking for favors and he always grant these favors. How would he feel if he would found out that you are a bad friend? And you feel guilty. I stopped because I felt “nahihiya” for asking and asking favors without even feeling sorry for my wrong doings. Again, I have set a distance between me and God.

Thirdly, my problems and pressures have made me think less of God. Simple and small problems at work, at home, relationships, all these have piled up.

The retreat made me realized all these. It made me accept my sinfullness, be sorry for them. And with these realizations and acceptance, I have learned to unload the heaviness in my heart and made my way closer to God.

With Bro. Bhong Tobe, my spiritual director