What's the Difference?

When I learned that I was one of those chosen for the Holy Week Retreat in Manila, I got excited. Of course, I have my "other agenda" aside from the retreat. Alright, this is a silent retreat. People who know me jokingly suggested that I bring with me plastic tape just in case I can't hold on to my silence. They know me as someone who loves talking! They couldn't see me as someone who is serious when it comes to matters like this.

I sent some close friends a forwarded message about what would be the first word they could think of when they hear my name: Erlyn. One said "ngisi" (smile). In their answers, there was never a word that would picture me as someone who is serious. hehehe ganyan ba talaga ako?

So? Silent Retreat? Erlyn? Ma'am Rose, our President's secretary couldn't even imagine me being a "spiritual director"! Parang "chaos" ata dala ko... (joke) The truth is, i was able to contain the silence during the retreat. I have controlled myself. I would be honest though that there was moment that I really had to talk. But it's because it's very important. What amazed me is that even if I talked, i didn't "break" my silence within. I have realized that silence is not the absence of talking. That even if you don't talk, it means you have silence within. The silence during a retreat has a greater meaning.

But what did this retreat do to me? Did I change from being the "palangisi" type to the "holy" type? Would they stop describing me as the "happy" and "loves-to-talk" me? (Don't want to use "talkative" :) masyadong negative *wink*)Would their impression of me change?

I don't think I have changed this picture I projected of myself. This is me, and I don't think it's easy to change. But I guess, what the retreat has done to me is something that people cannot see with their bare eyes. A friend of mine, after reading my entries in this blogsite, said that she's seeing a "different" Erlyn. It's like the "other-side" of me. Some people couldn't believe that these entries here are written by me. Maybe some would feel awkward, "kiwawan" kung sa bisaya pa. Well, reading the entries for the nth time, i myself couldn't believe these are mine! Maybe, in all these entries, SOMEBODY is helping me what to write.

I don't want to claim that I am "holier" after the retreat. It's "hypocrisy". But I know there is a difference. At this time, i am still thinking of how to name it. The difference is not seen. But I can feel it...